It's easy to be me

 So the 2021 school year is nearly officially over for me. What an overwhelmingly mind blowing journey these past couple years have been to those of us who teach, uh? Having to adapt to the new ‘normal’ overnight was not for amateurs. While most people were sharing how many glasses of wine they were drinking during early days of quarantine we were struggling to understand what we should be doing to entertain our students while holding their attention and making sure the content they signed for was being delivered. Properly.

Once we were finally back to our once-upon-a-time safe environment, the classroom, not only did we have to fight our fear of leaving the safety of our homes in an ongoing pandemic without even being vaccinated, but we also had to readapt once again. I admire doctors and nurses who wear masks all day, but do they need to be heard by a group of students, sitting miles away due to the social distance protocols, in a room that is now the size of my apartment? It took me a while to actually find the ones who were speaking, as I couldn’t read their lips. Or even understand what they were speaking, because their masks were nearly soundproof. But nothing, nothing, nothing can compare to the feeling of being back to school after a year and a half completely isolated, looking at black squares on the screen of my computer and wondering what those students looked like. 

Regardless of all the challenges - that students have no idea we had faced because we made sure everything was OK, so that it would be OK for them as well - the amount of memories made is obscene. I had this married couple sharing that they were expecting their first baby. I witnessed two students falling in love with each other. I had to keep myself from crying when a student couldn’t leave the room because she said she would miss me the minute the semester was over. Not to mention students coming to class celebrating each dose of their vaccines being taken. Just to name a few. Saying I am thankful doesn’t even begin to cover it. My heart is just so full and I cannot wait to be back next year. While I was cleaning my phone to make room for Summer memories, I found so many things that made me laugh and smile...

Now I'm ready to my days of rest. While most people question why teachers have such long breaks, I’ll be enjoying my vacation and questioning (as a teacher), their ability to understand texts and tell them that they should work on their reading skills. Happy Summer break to my fellow heroes! 

"Can't you find a guy?"

When I tell people I haven’t dated or been in a relationship in a while what I usually get is: “OMG, you’re so pretty! I don’t know why you can’t find a man!”. 

Find a man?! I can find men! Yep, plural. I can find a man, a ‘boyfriend’, I can find a cuddle buddy, I can find s*x anywhere in a snap of fingers. Look at me and you can picture what my DMs and texts might look like. And I don’t even have to try to convince them of my worth by sharing a whole #imjustme post.

I’m not bragging about myself at all. I don’t need to because that’s #notme. What I’m talking about is a partner, not a... guy. 

I’m getting older, life might get harder eventually and I want that guy who’s going to be a ride or die. What I’m looking for is a partner who’s going to be there, emotionally for me, when my parents pass away, for example. I look for a man who’s willing to bond with me and learn things about me, he doesn’t have to like them. I’m looking for the man who’s the best partner for me personally. I will get all his quirks and he will get all mine. I know he’s not going to be perfect because I’m not perfect either, but he’s going to be perfect for me.

So next time I say that I’m looking for partnership, but I haven’t found one yet, don’t ask me “Why can’t you find a guy?”. I can find a guy, but differently from many, I really don’t settle for less. 

Learn to listen (and trust)

I’m a quiet person, which allows me to pay attention and learn A LOT about people - and myself. One of the things I’ve noticed is that people simply don’t know what they have to do to bridge the gap between what it is and what it could be when it comes to the dissatisfaction in their lives.

And the worst mistake that they make when they’re feeling lost is to ask other people what they should do. Let me remind you of one extremely important thing: do not ask other people what YOU should do (and read it again before you proceed). No one ever knows what you should do because no one has ever or will ever live this particular life that you’re attempting to live with your unique given challenges, circumstances and people.  

You need to understand that your life is an umprescendent and unrepeatable experiment, therefore there’s no path. You are a pioneer and should stop asking people for directions to places they have never been to. They don’t know. You do know, though. 

All the answers you’ve been looking for are in that voice inside of you that’s trying to guide you, but you insist on not trusting it. You keep asking that voice what’s right or wrong, what you should or shouldn’t do, what’s good or bad. You keep asking all the wrong questions.

The thing is that the voice won’t understand any of those because they are culturally constructed concepts, therefore they will provide you with no answer whatsoever. Ask yourself what’s true. That’s the answer you’ve been expecting to find and no one else knows, but yourself. Trust that gut, it’s about time.

Lazy Sunday

Single and OK

It wasn’t until the day someone asked me why I was still single and what would probably be the negative traits that I carried that I forced myself to reason out and look within.

Being single used to mean that nobody wanted you. Now, for me, it means that I’m smart for taking my time deciding how I want my life to be instead of settling for just anyone to spend it with. Not only that, but also recognizing what’s meant for me is the only way to get it to come for me. 

Learning to be happy alone doesn’t just benefit you when you are alone, it allows you to approach relationships from a place of confidence. I used to be so afraid of losing people, until I realized most of them were never really down for me in the first place. Even though my loyalty and love for them ran deep, they could care less. They probably loved the love I showered them with, but I never got the same love back. So instead of being afraid of losing them, I watched them lose me. I just didn’t have it in me anymore to be the person who followed behind people every time they decided to leave. Also, it shouldn’t have to take me leaving for them to see that I was worth keeping. 

So the answer to why I am single is: I am still single because when I love, I love wholeheartedly and when I love someone genuinely and wholeheartedly I give them my all and I care for them as much as I care for myself. I’m single because obviously I’m the only one who tries, who goes out of their way and above and beyond to make things work. And until the day I cross paths with someone who truly appreciates my ride or die kind of love, who keeps their word, who goes all in, who gives it their all and is willing to add to my happiness instead of taking it away I will be on my own and, believe me, OK with that.